I tend to make anything I am involved with to personal I guess. Its not really all thats left of me. Not even close. But still, that was the thought as I looked out across the empty 10 acres where I had spent so much of the last 10 years. Nothing left to speak of, nothing left of all my hard work. Within a year, you will never be able to tell that I was there, when you drive by all you will see will be houses. I cannot personally wait for that day to come. I think it must be easier to look at someting other than this giant empty space. It was dishartening to me. I looked around for a minute. Then decided to take the arbour Mr. Carl had made for me at the end of the walkway. It was to big to fit in my van and I didnt want to ask Johnny to get it for me. He would just tell me he would build me another one. So I took the cowbell at the end of the wlkway that Mr. James had given me. Well technically I suppose he gave it to the nursery. He asked me if I wanted it and I said yes. We used to ring it when we needed his help, or his lunch was ready. I didnt really care whose it was I knew if it was left there my dad and his morons he has working there would ruin it. I was right the next day the arbour was torn up. Not taken anywhere, just torn up for no good reason. Then I looked around in the spots where I knew they would have left behind or thrown away perfectly good plants becouse they were dormant, theres nobody out there anywmore smart enough to know the difference. So as I thought they had expensive gingers laying tossed around. I picked them up and put them in my van. Then I went to the back area and found some more perfectly good stuff in tha garbage pile and got those for my garden. There was alot more thay had left but I really didnt have anyplace to put them so I left them. Then I decided to take some pictures of it, although the pictures just dont show the vast emtiness that existed. Im no photographer, thats for sure. Then I just left. My father was there, he even passed me a fews times, he never said anything to me. Wich is pretty typical lately so I didnt push it I just went about doing what I wanted. There were lots of thought in my head, mostly first responses of depressing thoughts. I wondered had I wasted the last 8 years of my life? then I wondered what I could have dont to feed my children and give them a home at the age of 21 when I found myself a single mother of two babies. I was living with my parents at the time so I suppose I had teh option of doing whatever I wanted. Then all the should have's started. should have went back to school....should have.....Anyway I didnt. So then I wondered why it was so hard for me to leave that place all those years. What tied me to it? Still dont really know that one. I dont even like to get rid of an old car, I only got the van when I knew I wouldnt have to get rid of my Toyota and I dont even like the stupid thing. I just dont handle change well. So what did I get out of all that time? I think all teh knowledge in my head is pretty useless to me and by the time I get to a place in life where I can use it it will be outdated. Plants come in and out of style believe it or not. I still have the dream of a nursery, except this time it would have to be my own nursery. I think I have had enough 70 hour weeks building someone elses fortunes. See I was pretty stupid and I actually thought it was mine. I mean thats what I was being told and see, Im not so good at interpretting manipulating lies as evedent by my first marriage. Anyway thats a whold different subject. So it was natural to take it so personally, and to put so much of myself in it. My mom has the same dream. A small nursery that is very pretty on the outside and full of nice quality plants inside. Not millions of dollars. Not making a hundred thousand a year. Just a nice small nursery doing what you love and making enough money to put bread on the table, Ok maybe bread and chicken,and an occasional cheesecake. But certanly not stress central station. I had decided that my father and I were chasing different dreams. its notheing I hadnt known for a while I just continued to fight for mine and tried to ignore the rest. But you know eventually as I always do I just got tired of fighting and threw in the towel. I guess I am a my way or the highway person. Like when I threw all my husbands stuff on the front porch for him to come pick up after he called me at three thirty in the morning drunk as he was driving home so I wouldnt worry about him, (Idiot!)See, I was just done fighting. Its like I am so freaking stupid that I sit around and tolerate all sorts of crap thinking things are gonna get better, believing people that are telling me it will be better, and then one day it hits me that it never will and if I continue then I am choosing to go through it again. And all the sudden I am done. I see that pattern alot in my life and I am sure I will see it again. same thing with johns mom and realizing that no matter what I did it was not gonna help her get off Cocaine. And his sister, that no matter how many two hour talks I had with her to make a situation better. There was another one coming up the road. Most often about the same things. Like the fact that she was not dying, or that her brother did not resent her he is just an ass most of the time. Or that there were not really ghosts in the attick. Or that she really did have something wrong with her she was not just a selfish person as somehow she was made to feel. I am sure there are other times in life i have just abandoned ship, and I am sure there will be more ahead of me. Sometimes I think it makes crazy (mostly when people tell me I need help)but then I think its actually what keeps me uncrazy is wen something or someone is driving you crazy to get the hell outa there! See i call it self preservation. An my hair is always my guide, if it starts leaving then it time for me to go! HA thats funny. True but funny.
