Surrounding herself with the things that she loved...

I was at a funeral recently of a family member and not listening to a thing that was being said. But sitting in the chair bothered that I just couldnt find her anywhere in that room. Not in the photo of her with her horse, that I actually loved, it was just a photo, and although it made me smile it just didnt feel like "her" to me, just a picture of her. I couldnt find her in the flowers, they were elaborate and although stuningly beautiful and chosen from her favorite colors, her favorite colors meant nothing to me, I never knew they were her favorite colors, so they just didnt feel like "her" to me either. Just pretty flowers.

Why was I on a search for her when I knew she was gone from this world, moved on to something so much better? Why was I even looking for her in that room? It wasnt logical , just a pestering feeling that I couldnt identify what I knew of Cindy in anything in that room.

I guess it started at the viewing the day before. I havent seen her in two years. And in that two years time she has been through so much. (Still seems to young for all her time here to have been gone, but I know his ways are higher than our own and he is in control...I know, I just will never understand.)

 I even knew she would look different, I expected it, I was told about the pink cap that covered where her beautiful long hair used to be.

And her family, sticking by their promise that they wouldnt "put her in no stupid dress" had stayed true to her wishes and dressed her in a pair of jeans and her Gator T Shirt. But even dressed in her usual garb, as I looked at that casket all I could think is..... thats not her. She was laying there in that casket and yet, not there at all.

 My head knows that its just her body, I told myself she wasnt there that she was up there watching us and probably cracking a few jokes as we talked. I logically knew she wasnt in that box but there was still a disconect, I expected to feel something of her there in that room. I wanted to know that something of her had stayed down here, with us.

As I said, illogical.

As I sat ignoring the preacher I began to think about Cindy. What DID I know of her? Was it just that I knew so little of her, that our paths had crossed so infrequently, I didnt think so, to meet Cindy at all is to know her, she was just one of those people that put up no pretenses,full of life and plenty to say, she is an open book type of a person, lay it all out there, I am who I am and if you dont like it Ok, have a nice day and dont let the dog get you on your way out kind of person. I liked her. Wouldnt I recognize something of what I knew of her if I saw it?

So as I thought about what I did know of Cindy and the strongest thing that kept coming to my head was that Cindy surrounded herself with the things that she loved. ALL the things that she loved. Horses , dogs, rabbits, chickens, people, if she could take care of it and it could need her to help it, then she loved it. She lived her life surrounded by the people and animals she loved. Cindy had a big heart.

I got to spend the afternoon one Sunday with Cindy, Hank, the kids and her animals. I' ll never forget it it was so awesome to me, I may dream of a farm and waking up with the roosters and feeding the chickens at dawn with my dog at my side, but she didnt dream of it she actually did it. She was living her dream world. Again, SURROUNDED by the things that she loved. Then I thought of Debbies Angels everywhere and her house full of people everythanks giving and thought she must get that as an inherited trait from her mom.

Well thats about the time the service was over and they started to walk everyone out. As I was leaving the room I saw Cindys brand new grandbaby being bounced on the lap of her father, and smiled. Im sure I must have looked like an idiot smiling as I walked out of a funeral, I couldnt help it, I had findally found the bit of Cindy I was searching for in that room. THERE was CINDY !!! In the things that she loved! She was there in those beautiful babies of Ambers, a tie stronger than any genetics, a mother daughter bond of love, not of DNA. And she would be passed on to those babies everytime Amber loved them like a mother should, like Cindy taught her over the course of her life. She was there, in that room after all. All I had to do is look around, Cindy was even at the end of her lifes journey, surrounding herself with the things that she loved. She was there in Tiffanys crazy rainbow hair, you just have to think what kind of self understanding it takes to walk around with rainbow hair because you want to and just not care what anyone thinks, perhaps a trait she got from her mother...."I am what I am and if you dont like it OK, have a nice day and dont let the dog get you on your way out." She was there in Tiffany, surrounding herself with the things that she loved. She was there in Hank and all of the memories and moments that 18 years of marriage to the love of your life can hold. In Debbie, In Dell. A mother, a grandmother,a wife, a sister, to everyone there in that room she was there with them in some small way. Because they had known her, she was now living in their hearts and minds. She was there in that room after all surrounding herself with the things that she loved.

So to Cindy, I say you will be missed, you were loved. But most of all thankyou! For in your story of enduring strength against all odds, I will forever find strength to keep putting all of what I have left to give into those around me that I love, just like you did. And in so doing, surrounding myself with the things that I love.